The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
As we grow older, and especially as the seniors in our lives reach end of life, the need for open and honest family conversations becomes more and more important.
Discussions about the future—when to make a change, where to live, estate planning and downsizing, needed future support (financial, medical, family, etc.)—are needed to be able to create a plan prior to a crisis situation.
Some families do this very well. A plan is put in place, and when the time comes, the plan is implemented and a smooth transition into the next stage of life occurs.
Too often, however, this is not the case. These conversations are incomplete, postponed, or avoided altogether, and when an event occurs that necessitates change, the forced transition often becomes a confusing, crisis situation.
I like to think of these situations in three parts: the good, the bad, and the ugly.
The Good: A Family That Talked and Planned Together
For me, the good is personal. My own parents set the perfect example of how powerful open conversations and careful planning can be.
They began the discussion early—well before any crisis forced it. Over time, we had many phone conversations about their wishes, what mattered most to them, and how they wanted their later years to look. My sibling and I also traveled several times across the country to meet with them, their attorneys, doctors, and financial advisors.
They shared openly about their goals: staying independent as long as possible, simplifying their lifestyle, and ensuring their affairs were organized so that no one would be left guessing later. Because of those discussions and the planning that followed, every step along the way felt grounded in peace and confidence instead of confusion.
They were open about their priorities: staying independent as long as possible, simplifying their lifestyle, and making sure no one was left guessing.
When the time comes to downsize, everyone will be on the same page. The move will go smoothly, the family worked together, and there was a sense of peace instead of stress. Their plan didn’t just make things easier logistically—it kept the family close.
That’s the good. That’s what happens when families talk and plan.
The Bad: Talking, but No Clear Plan
Then there are families who mean well. They talk about “someday” and “when the time comes.” There’s agreement that things should be simpler, that maybe Mom and Dad shouldn’t have to maintain that big house forever—but that’s where the conversation ends.
There might be bits and pieces of a plan—some papers in a file, or general ideas about downsizing—but nothing is written down, and no one’s quite sure what the next step is.
When the time comes to make decisions, the family scrambles to remember what was said. Emotions rise, confusion sets in, and often, parents or adult children end up feeling frustrated or guilty.
This is the bad: having conversations but no roadmap. It’s better than silence, but it still leaves everyone uncertain when clarity is needed most.
The Ugly: No Plan, No Conversation
And then there’s the ugly.
This is when no one talks about it—ever. Parents don’t want to burden their kids, and the kids don’t want to upset their parents. Everyone avoids “the topic.” Then suddenly, something happens—a fall, a health scare, or the loss of a spouse—and the family is thrown into crisis.
Important papers can’t be found, no one knows what the parents would have wanted, and decisions have to be made quickly, under stress, and often with emotion rather than wisdom. Relationships can strain, and what could have been a season of support and love becomes one of confusion and tension.
This scenario happens more often than we’d like to admit. But it’s preventable—with a few conversations and a bit of planning.
A Better Way Forward
If you’re reading this and thinking, we’ve been avoiding that talk, you’re not alone. It’s never too late to start. You don’t need to have all the answers—just start with the questions:
Where do we see ourselves living as we age?
What kind of help might we need, and who can provide it?
Have we shared our wishes with our family?
Planning and communicating early can make all the difference. The goal isn’t just to make life easier for the future—it’s to bring peace, confidence, and togetherness right now.
Every family’s story is unique, but the pattern is universal: talking early and planning wisely turns potential stress into security. The “good” families aren’t lucky—they’re prepared.
So if you haven’t already, gather around that table. Brew some coffee, open the conversation, and start writing your own good story.